The Five Tricks to Survival: Or How Not to Get Raped

A humble attempt to share with my fellow Na'vis some tricks to help them safeguard their Izzat and yes in some cases their lives as well.

1)  Dress PROPERLY

Now that's the classic excuse after a rape. Or a good enough reason if you HAVE to believe the lechers. “When women are willing to show their bodies to us and invite us, why shouldn't we rape them? Or even better “If you show food to a hungry man, he will eat”. Umm...I thought all men and women evolved from apes into humans. I never realized that women evolved from apes to giant sized McDonalds Cheese Burgers (nice figure = extra mayo and cheese). Its pretty humbling to know that we are considered food. But dressing this burger is dicey grounds. Rapist (or soon-to-be s) say that women should dress like ideal Indian women in Indian clothes. Hooligan groups like RSS/AVBP  lay down the dress code for the proper Hindustani aurat.

Here are a few Guidelines:

*Only plain Indian clothes like sari and salwar kameez - starched, ironed and pinned.

But if you define PROPER by the amount of bare skin that the garment reveals, then there is a basic problem here- a sari exposes the back of your neck, the midriff, the hands, a large portion of the chest unless you team it with a windcheater as a blouse (and land up in hospital due to suffocation and Hyperthermia given the general climate in India).And what if you decide to wear a beige Indian chiffon sari Aka Raveena Tandon in Mohra and it starts to rain?Well although RSS/ moral police laid no guideline on color and the material of the sari, this could be a dangerous experiment. 

Ditto with salwar kameez and duppatas .God save you if the winds blow up your duppata aka most Yash raj Movie. Raj (ah not Shahrukh you hopeless romantics), Raj the local banarasi pan wala  would be on you in a jiffy.

*Wear a Ghunghat. Carry a first aid box with you because you may end up bumping into people and worse - other people’s cars if you are driving. If they are minorly injured, offer the first aid box. If they are majorly injured or dead, keep ghunghat in place and flee to avoid being identified ( you can use this tactic to become a pickpocket and supplement some extra cash in addition to your three figure miserable salary check)

Logically the most effective remedy would be to go and buy yourself a burkha. It’s not exactly..umm.HINDUSTANI but then , whatever. Contact Ramsay brothers and ask them about the dealer that provided them glow-in-the-dark fake eyeballs for the chudails in the movie. Wear the black burkha and the glow eyeballs.Have fun scaring people in the dark.

2) Get a Makeover

Dump those stockings and make up kit. Oh yes! Just do it. Spend your next month’s salary on a cotton, nehru-jacket style Salwar Kameez, and stock up your dressing table with all the coconut oil you find in the neighborhood department store. Download episodes from the popular sitcom “ Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi” . You can save some bucks by usurping great grandpa’s old black thick frames round glasses, and tear up granma’s old saree to tie up your hair in banana plates. Don’t worry. Even with so much of banana and coconut oil on you will avoid looking like food served on a platter to those hungry men. Yes the one’s who blame us women of adapting to the west, more specifically Amrika, them don’t likes the Banana Chips, only MacD burgers yes please. Also going by their animal instinct it is advisable to avoid any sort of fragrance (or odor for that matter) or they might get ideas that its mating season and you are trying to lure them into finding you by leaving your scent trail.

3) If You Go To A Bar- You Are A Bar Girl

Yeah so what if you are an independent  educated and responsible daughter and have been working like a maniac at work to buy your parents their first car or you are single mother and take care of your kid all by yourself. A glass of anti-oxidant filled red wine helps you de-stress. Are you outta your mind!! Rum is only to make yummy plum cakes at Christmas and beer is a wonderful conditioner for your hair after a shampoo ( ensure that you wear a cap when you go out or they might just rape you cause your hair smells like some teen spirit ;-p). Remember you are a woman and you need to head home straight to cook dinner. Not a drop of alcohol should touch your pious lips. Smoking??? Haw!!! Have you forgotten your values, morals and ethics? Write a mail to ITC asking them to change the warning sign on all cigarettes packets to “Smoking causes rape and fallout in the general character in a woman.” Fuck the doctors and their gyan about bad lungs. Who cares about lung cancer when the morality of the nation is at stake?

4) Be Zena – The Warrior Princess

Yes you are dad’s and big bro’s princess but the men in the street don’t know your dad. 

 Leverage technologies like torrent to download any possible action filled chick flick. Lara Croft, Zena, Uma Thurman and Halle Berry should be your ideal role models. Forget Mother Teresa and Kalpana Chawla. Why care about selfless social service or aeronautics, when your life is at stake? Arm yourself with any object that has sharp and wound inflicting edges, tazer guns or water balloons. Use pepper spray, hair spray, toilet spray. Watch Kung-Fu Panda and decipher the wushi finger hold. Use hairpins, safety pins and soft board pins like rocket launchers. Make dummies out of cloth and newspaper and practice free kicks at home, specifically targeted at the groin and crotch area ( remember to make multiple dummies of various heights). You might end up breaking mum’s antique porcelain vase or end up hitting dad or bro at a place totally unwanted. Don’t be disheartened. Every war suffers collateral damage.

5) Get a Sex Change

I don’t know why the word PENIS never appeared in Darwin's Theory of Evolution-Survival Of The Fittest. That should have been his Prologue: DICKS, DICKS Flying Everywhere. Maybe somewhere is his subconscious the various references to the power of the female- Mother Earth, Mother Nature, Mother Mary was so strong that he omitted the need for any survival strategies for the female. Whatte ass!!!! 

Honestly, I don’t blame him. Till I hit puberty I was reeling under the notion that women just like the Hindu goddesses (that includes the obsolete Greeks and Romans and cultures across the world) were something to be considered sacrosanct enough.

But if having a dick is what can ensure you a life today, well- get a Life! Have a dick, flaunt it in small red underwear aka John Abraham in Dostana, wear your chaddi on your trousers ( aka superman) to ensure that everyone’s attention is directed towards your jaw-dropping, big bulge of majestic manhood. After all, You are the MAN.

Consider these ladies. Now you are officially the superior sex. You don’t have to go through the pain of menstruation every month (and though you have a dick but no naturally occurring male hormones- you don’t have to shave everyday either) . You don’t have to carry a 7 pound flag bearer of the man’s family name in your stomach for nine months. You can drink, smoke ,dope and yes even rape if you feel like having some fun,  you can bathe in your undies in public, can urinate anywhere you feel when the pressure builds up ( God knows I will give my life to be able to do that). You can pass sleazy comments at the item number in the movie and have some paisa wasool, you can come home late or not come at all and your character is still unquestionable. You are not obliged to cook, clean and maintain the budget for the house.

( My figures hurt of  listing advantages of being a man- now infact I can understand the reason behind their claim to fame of being the better if not stronger sex )

Issue in Public Interest: All of the points above are mere suggestions of the author and don’t incorporate inputs by rapists or soon-to-bes. Hence safety is not guaranteed. Valuables at owner’s risk. Neither the law, nor the police, the human rights association or the author will be responsible for loss of valuables like dignity,self respect or IZZAT.